The reason only we know
by Sasha.0986033
Summary: What is going trough your mind when you are separated form everything you know? How can one cope with lone fact that he failed? How can you live in body that doesn't belong to you? There is that one reason why giving up is not the option. It gets deep and dark sometimes. Leaves much space for imagination. Enjoy!
1. I would trade my life for you

_My father once told me that the most dangerous thing is to love. When everything that matters in your life is suddenly taken away from you, your existance loose its meaning. All you feel is just pain, all you see is just monsters and all you hear is just havoc in your head. And you're gonna suffer until you die or until you find a way how to live with it._

 _I'm tired of searching. If he looses, I loose._

 _I've made a decision he won't agree with. Never. He would see just his way as only possible. Same as I saw mine. He was not in the position to change it. So if God was merciful, he would give me a chance to see him one last time as I was seeing him before, to look him in the eyes and send him the wordless message only he could read and he would let him find his peace._

Trees are running the opposite way by my window and for the first time in my life I don't feel the unstoppable urge to join their direction and stay safe. Chin is sitting next to me and nervously jogging with his knee. I didn't get his agreement either.

Nor Kono's. She is in the backseat, her eyes following the silhouetes behind the window. They have a million words to say but they are silent. And I'm glad they understand that empty sentences would be worthless, only causing more pain. They just wanted to be present and stand there with us, make a safe wall that we both could lean on.

Engine went quiet and I could feel Chin's eyes on me. I couldn't look back. My lungs let out the small gasp. _Yes, I'm sure. Right now there is no other outcome._ So he opened his door and got out, Kono did the same.

Suddenly the black SUV stopped meteres before us and driver sent me a venomous look.

One last time I checked on my people. Chin stepped next to wheel so he could quickly drew off if things went wrong. Just as I wanted. He was keeping himself steady and his mind out of things that were happening before his eyes. He would give anything to stop it, but he knew he can't. Kono sadly smiled and I saw her eyes were getting wet. I wanted so bad to hug her and tell her we are good but it would broke us both. So I turned back and nodded. I'm ready to end this. I told them what I needed hours ago, in case I won't make it back they know I keep my last goodbye for them in my laptop.

 _No need for too much words. No need to make it harder than it was. All I wished for was last talk with Danny to make sure he will be allright. That we both will be allright. Eventually._

Few more steps ahead and his man checked me. They made their instructions clear, no tricks.

I could feel the pressure of air on my skin when the black door was opened. He is really alive. He is breathing.

 _The most dangerous thing is to care about somebody. When that day comes, when you have to make that decision, you'll understand. I saw death before my eyes, I saw suffering and pain._

But now I can't describe what I saw in his eyes. All he longed for was relief. His body was dameged.

His bare feet touched the ground and were forced to walk. But he had to be half carried as he was so weak. I don't know if he is refusing to look at me or he is just not aware of his surroundings.

 _He sacrificed so much. He would say he didn't even have a choice. But he did. He would say that it wasn't that bad, that he was allright. But he was not. He knew that I'm somewhere out there. For all those hours. Days. Weeks. So he believed in me and waited. Was all of it even worth it?_

 _Trust._

 _Unspoken and unseen bond between two souls. Fragile and tough. Source of energy. Strong hand that keeps you alive._ _Seeks your every step to have peaceful sleep. Guarding. Why? There is always a reason._

 _Sacrifice._

 _Give what we were given, take nothing._ _Build ourselves up again on old worn out base. Go on and on until next wrecking ball takes us down. Circle that never ends._ _Everything for a reason_.

 _Persuasion_

 _When the skies turn grey we have to reach inside to find out if it's still beating. After that we realize that last thing to do is to take it full force. For all those tears and bloody sweat that created us. Because we believed there is that reason to live for._

 _He longed for relief that only I could give him. So be it. I would never let him fight alone. Spinning continues and now it was up to me to reach down. To take his place. Because I know. I know he will be there..._

 _... somewhere_ , searching as I was.

 _I wish something could t_ _ake me back to the day we met and decided to take that way together. Risky. But I would do it thousand times again and even more. We all were born to die. Everything in between is up to us. We made those memories worthy, our friendship unbreakable and turned every second into joy. We made it trough hardest times and this is not gonna end differently._

He was slowly taking steps against me, still looking down. What did they do to him that he is refusing to look me in the eyes? I whispered his name but nothing changed. Few more steps and he was released to walk on his own. Only if he could. His body fell to the ground and let out the quiet gasp for air.

 _If somebody would have told me few weeks ago that one day he won't recognize me, he won't care what is happening around him anymore, I would say that I would never let that happen. But there we were. How? I'm asking myself over and over again, not finding the answer, not getting even close. I disappointed. He disappeared from our lives without warning leaving nothing behind, just empty hole. So empty that nothing could ever fill it up._

 _Now it was me who was disappearingdisappearing from his life, suddenly and irrecoverably as single matchstick devoured by flames. Small tool that created the burning fire is always destroyed by it's own intentions. Eye for eye, life for life. This world has it's rules. For some maybe cruel and meaningless, for others comprehensible and inevitable._

 _You would be maybe asking which group I belong to. And maybe you wouldn't understand why I don't curse what my fate prepared for me on my road. I would tell you that one day you will understand, you will realise why oceans are so quiet yet so loud, why woods are so peaceful yet ruthless, why there is a reason for everything. And I would also tell you that I hope you'll never realise, because uncousciousness of those secrets is what makes it beautiful and worth breathing._

He lied there like a shattered sculpture, tears running down his face, shallow breathing swirling the dust he had under him. Once white tshirt mirrored all harm caused to him.

They wanted it clean and fast. No unwanted situations, no nothing. Just quick exchange without emotions. I had to go. That place waited for me as it was now empty, just a few moments, but it needed it's owner for some reason. There was a reason why it existed and why it has to be preserved. He left, I'm here to take it. There is also a reason why it has to be me. I knew. He knew. That's all that matters. So I'm walking now. Against the adversity, away from him, away from everything I care about.

 _I'm not a martyr, nor a madman. I was courageous enough to care. Now it's time to pay the price. One of the simplest rules. Everything was taken care of. It is time to go._

 _I remmember how I stopped, turned around and kneeled to get secured, than saw Chin and Kono running to him, taking him up from the ground, holding him gently as if they knew I wished to do that, to be his safe wall. But I couldn't so they did it for me to ensure me everything is as it's supposed to be. I remmember their faces, full of hatred and anger but also pity for us. And than I saw his face. Eyes finally meeting mine, giving very last remaining energy to let me know._

 _'I will, brother... I will...'_

 _He slid back to semiconsciousness, but he gave me everything I needed. That last image of him, reconciled with everything, will stay in my eyes forever. No matter where they take me._

 _It doesn't matter anymore if there are minutes, hours, days or weeks before me. I know that when we meet again someday, we will continue right where we stopped. No matter the odds or rules, not even the price. There will be always that one secret reason the fighting is worth for. Side by side, again and again._


	2. I will let them

What is that one thing that they can't take away from you?

Your freedom? No, they took it. Your body? No, they own it. Or is it your sanity? I don't even know if it's real.

Someone would say it's fear... That they can't get you afraid of them. Even though I was build piece by piece to be indestructible, I was scared too many times.

My guess is that it's hope. Maybe it's too poetic, but my last property is plain human emotion, something I always avoided.

I caught sight of first star trough small window in my cell. It became a routine that with first light on the sky I scratched a small line on the wall. Wall full of small proofs that time is not waiting. Sometimes it feels like years, sometimes it is just a second.

But I don't want to count them. It would be too real, all those days and nights. All those moments when everything was blury and painful and there were only two things left in my mind: I missed my old life and everybody in it and the second was hope. Hope that I will see them again.

Will I?

I have to tell them everything I couldn't before. I have to see them... just see them for one last time. And I will. That's the last fucking thing they won't steal from me.

I have their faces in front of me all the time, but I see them fading. I see them slowly disappearing and it scares me to death. Are they really getting into my mind? Is this really my life and my reality now?

When I decided to join the Navy very long time ago, I wanted to make myself stronger, to give my life a direction. They teached me, I learned. I gave everything I had to be better everyday. To protect what I love. And I succeeded. At least I thought.

Now I am trapped here. Alone. They all left for good. Not willingly and they can't come back. They are gone. Everyone is gone. My family, friends... all the loved ones. The people I cared about.

My father. They murdered him in cold blood because of mistakes my mother did. Yeah.. my mother... she died too. Not for real, but it felt alike. She chose to raise a man who caused so much pain before staying with her family. Do I feel betrayed? I don't know.

Joe. No one can tell how I miss him. And he died because of me. And I will never get the chance to tell him that I'm so sorry.

I truly loved only once in my life. But she was too wild to be kept in a cage. Too pure to touch my hand. I let her go to protect her. To keep her the way she was.

And when it seemed that only person who can take that weight with me is not going anywhere, I killed him. He stayed there and I ran. And it felt so wrong. It still does.

Than I found Danny. He understood me. He was the real brother I've never had. And I took his mind from him. I let him suffer. And now... now he is gone.

I am all alone. In this dark place. Trapped.

Is there even somebody who I could return to? Is there even a reason that feeds my hope?

They are all gone.

Only the bad ones left.

When they come back to me, when they open the door, tighten my shackles and look into my face with intention to break me, I will let them.


	3. I want to watch the sunset with you

Your mind is such an incredible tool. It can be your only companion, walking you trough the day into safety, but sometimes it can be tricky and leave you in a trap, from which there is no escape route. It's been some time since I can't tell which intention my own inner voice and my gut are playing me with. I stopped living, I stopped counting, scratching the walls, I stopped waiting for the first star, I just stopped.

Doing everything.

But my body is still going and I guess it's my inner's voice selfpreservation's fault. I am breathing, I am seeing and listening, even drinking and eating from time to time. And it's strange but I have no power over it anymore. Did my own body just overtook the command and decided to survive even though I don't want to? Maybe.

Maybe I am a liar.

Who can't spot his own lies. Who doesn't know if he is too weak and afraid to let go and die or too wicked to set himslef free. I had dreams. Plans. I loved. Now, I don't even know what it means. To count on next day or on somebody. I just stopped.

Doing everything.

Apart from surviving. Do you understand? I hardly can expect that from you. It's something that human being with his own body and his own thoughts could never understand. So I woke up today, in one of the days from the rest of my life. Because I can't stop it as I am no longer the one who gets to decide.

You are watching me in my cell and you are listening to my words. And you are trying to understand me. Yes,... you are. But you can't, because you haven't seen what they did to me.

Since I kneeled in that dirt and wondered why is my best friend so broken, many days came and went. I had no idea. Now I do. If they would bring me in front of them now, I could not look at them. It's not me anymore. I've done terrible things, I've seen and I've felt on my own skin a lot of terrible things. Danny was here for six weeks. He is not himself anymore too. I know. Somehow I hoped that he would resisit it. There is no way how to resist it. So I stopped.

Doing anything.

 _"Steve?"_

I stopped believing. I stopped trusting. It's like a game of chess. When there is checkmate, it doesn't matter what move you make, you are gonna get killed. So if you don't make any moves, you are gonna live forever. Stuck.

 _"Steve..."_

I can't make that move. I don't get to make the decisions.

 _"So let me decide."_

Is it real? Are you really standing here? Are you not just my mind? I need to know,... please... I need to feel.

 _"Give me your hand."_

You feel real. Your skin is warm, your grip gentle, I feel your breathing on my skin. You could be real.

 _"We leave those in here. We leave everything in here. We can start again without it."_

You are putting down my cuffs. You are warm and calm. Your words are delivered with purpose. What is going on? Did I finally get to decide? Can I let go now?

 _"No Steve. You always got to decide. And you decided to live. Same as me."_

I stood up. I wanted to walk and I did. I made those steps. They were weak and small, but I was moving. I made that move. So now it's time to die.

 _"Maybe. Maybe not today."_

 _..._

 _"Do you remmember what Joe kept telling you?"_

Yeah. I think I know what do you mean. He always told me that _Everything is 's just decision of yours._

 _"He sure knew, one day you are gonna need that advice."_

I would love to see a sunset once more. Do you think,.. If you could help me, I ... ?

 _"I am gonna walk you there, Steve. Always."_

 _..._

 _"Steve?"_

I still feel you by my side. Now I feel like everything is reversed. My body is giving up, but my mind wants to be there for you too. What should I do? This feeling left me long ago, why came back?

 _"You get to decide."_

There are so many people. I'm used to be alone.

 _"You were never alone."_

 _..._

 _I took his hand into mine. It was all just bones and scratched skin, even cold. He was scared but alive. He did it. Now lying on the emergency stretcher, so busy with holdnig my hand and watching the EMTs working on his wounds, he hasn't realised it's all over. He is going home. And I know exactly how does he feel because I've been there. Not sure of next day, not even of next breath. But he kept me going. Now I will do the same for him. Maybe there will be no person in this world who would understand us, but it doesn't matter. We don't need them to understand anymore. We don't want them to. We just stopped._

 _Doing everything._

 _So it would stay in the past. Now, that we are free, we can start it all over again. Side by side. Today we will be looking trough the hospital window, watching the sun go down and all the troubles will be forgotten. Today is the day, when we woke up, in the very first day of the rest of our lives._

* * *

 _Koniec_

* * *

 **Hey friends!**

 **Some of you must be really confused about this trilogy (that actually wasn't supposed to be trilogy) but to get you on the right path of fully understanding my thoughts, I must say a couple of things. As you may suspect, the first chapter was about Steve's mindset. He decided to do whatever he could to save Danny - to trade himself for him. Second chapter were his thoughts about giving up. That it is too much for him to survive. Third chapter started with him confused and numb to his reality when suddenly it all came into the end.**

 **You may ask what acctualy happend to them. Who is behind their captivity and what did they do to them. I'll leave this up to you. That is the beauty of writing/reading. You can always imagine it as you wish. There are no boundaries.**

 **I must say I enjoyed writing this story very much. It was easy and calming for me. The words just came out naturally. If you got lost somewhere on the road, it is absolutelly okey. I can sometimes be a little perplexing. This is why I needed to say this.**

 **Thank you for sticking around with me on this one! I hope you enjoyed. See you around sometime!**


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